Anywhere but here.

Anything but this.

Mundane. Routine.

Living to get to the next day.

Break from the cycle.

Laundry. Iron. Laundry.

Break from the same.

Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep.

Life has to be bigger than this.

There must be better conversations to be had.

Dear Blog

I have no new year resolutions as such but this year I would like to read more. I'll keep coming back and updating the list of read books here so we can take stock at the end of the year.

1. A fine family - Gurucharan Das (started in 2015, finished on 10th Jan 2016).

2. Durgeshnandini - Bankim Chandra Chatterjee (January 2016)

Dear Dot

You finished one full week of school today. 

I know this is not easy for you. You are used to walking into a daycare where everybody knows you and you have your closest allies by your side - Sabrina, Amaya, Mylo and Olga. 

You feel alone and a little bit frightened walking into the big boy school every morning. But you get over it. You settle in once we've left and have a great time everyday.

Soon you will make friends and from then on you will love going to school. These really are the wonder years. You will explore, get up to mischief, share secrets, scrape your knees, make really close friends and flourish in the coming years. 

I always knew you are curious, social, kind, gentle and loving. Today I also saw how brave you are. You fought back your tears and told me it's alright to leave when I dropped you off at school. 

I could only fight back my tears till I reached the car.

Dear Dot

Loads has happened since I last posted.

End of July was your last day at daycare. I don't think you realised the full impact of this phase of your life coming to an end but I probably felt it enough for both of us. I cried about you missing your daycare buddies and your routine since you were eight months old. We threw a farewell party for all your friends to come have one last party in our Lewisham house.

Beginning of August we moved to our new house in Bromley. You fell in love with the new place and your new routine of no-daycare shockingly quickly. Dadi being around helped of course. Once again I bore the grief of missing the familiar for both of us. It's been a month now and I'm finally getting used to the move.

You start "big boy school" this Thursday. Once again I'm feeling the nervous excitement and anxiety for both of us. You are acting cool as a cucumber, as if it's no big deal. 

I probably feel a little more than I should anyways and I have been trying to make you aware of these big changes and "feel" something about it. It's very important to me that you feel and express the full spectrum of emotions. 

But after a discussion with Dad I realise I'm probably going about this in a way that makes little sense to you. You are free of all these "feelings". You are happy in the now. You don't spend time being sad about something that's in the past or worry unnecessarily about something in the future. You take it as it comes. And you always come out happy. 

There is a lot to learn from little people before the world teaches you how and how much to feel. 

Be happy, always, like you are today!

Dear Dot

We are both sitting in the garden after picking you up from daycare. You have a bag of crisps in your hand. You gave me one crisp and said, "I'm sharing at you because I a gentleman."

Dear Dot

I heard you say your first I love you.

Sabrina and you were upto your usual post daycare antics where you both insisted she comes home to ours to play. Both her mom and I thought we should say yes today because it had been a while since she had come over. 

You were both overjoyed at your persistence finally paying off and you chatted all the way back talking about everything you would do once you got home.

When we were back home you both got out of the car and right in front of our red door, your heart bursting with love and excitement you held her hand and said , "I love you, Sabrina". She spoke about wanting apple juice and riding your bike in response. You declared your love once again. She spoke about your bike again. And then you both decided that bikes were probably more exciting things to discuss anyways and ran into the garden.

It made me cry a little bit because I'm all heart and mush. It was the sweetest, bravest proposal I've ever seen.

Dear Dot

Your hands feel so small in mine. Your fingers wriggling in my palm. My fingers wrapped around your whole hand. Such a little hand. So much excitement, sense of adventure and eagerness in the clasp. 

I'm drawing from your enthusiasm to go explore the world on my bad days.

Dear Dot

Dot: I a big boy now. I go to office like daddy.

Me: And mommy.

Dot: Daddy's office is in a building.

Me: Mine too!

Dot: My office be a tall tall building and I work on a small laptop.

Me: When you go to office and make some money, what will you do with the money?

Dot: I give it to daddy.

Me: ????????

Dot: Don't worry. I buy you a present. A necklace.

Me: And for daddy?

Dot: A pink car.

Me: ??????????

Dot: You can sit in the car too. 

This is obviously some devious scheming going on between father and son behind my back! 

Dear Dot

You always have the best view. 

Dear Dot

You have asked to have a birthday party this year because you have quickly realised birthday parties mean cake, which is the one thing you love more than mom and dad, and presents. 

So we have decided to throw you one since dadu dida will also be here then. The theme of the party is , wait for it , not peppa pig. Not george pig. It's george pig's toy dinosaur. In accordance we have ordered a dinosaur cake and I have bought craft supplies and made dinosaur birthday invites. 

Mind you im not the most craftsy person around and this is the first little craft project I've done since school. But I'm very proud of it. So here is a picture of your first birthday party's invites. 

P.S. You love the invites and don't want to give them to any of your friends. You want to keep them all for yourself. Silly Dot! 

Dear Dot

We came home from daycare today and you were watching one of your favourite cartoons - Cailou. 

Cartoon: Cailou is helping his mom sort and put away the laundry.

Dot: I help mummy and daddy with clothes too. I SO CLEVER. Like Cailou.

I'm impressed with your self awareness, confidence and great choice of role models.

Dear Dot

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Dot: A plant.

Me: What colour?

Dot: Pink.

Me: A pink plant?

Dot: Yes, a green plant with pink flowers. 

Dear Dot

I had a rough day at work today and must have looked sad. You saw me and said, "I did not do poo in my pants today, be happy."

Simples. 

Dear Dot

On our drive back the other day we heard you sing "let it go, let it go" at the top of your lungs in the back seat. Of course our hearts Froze (get it?) imagining the downhill slope you were now on given the first song you sang outside of your usual rhymes and Christmas carols was a song out of a silly animated movie! (We love animated movies, and this one just isn't that nice) 

You will realise our shock to full extent when you grow up and learn of our music tastes.

So we immediately came home and played the song from Frozen to see if you identified it and then we would interrogate you to figure out where you learnt it. But when we played it you said you didn't know the song. 

So we let it slip as you singing some other made up song like you always do. 

But the incident stayed with me and I decided to tech you a non rhyme song last night. So as we lay in bed I sang...

Me: you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey. You never know this, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.

Dot: (in tune) and never go back to him!

Me: (gulp?!?! Seriously hoping you aren't Sharukh Khan from Darr)

Dear Dot

Dot: Mummy, you Silly. I Billy.

Dear Dot

Today you held a tub of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream in your tiny palms, your long fingers wrapped around the freezing tub, shaking in excitement, your stare steady. You murmured, "Hello there, nice to see you!"

Dear Dot - My wish for you this Christmas

You weren't supposed to go to Daycare this morning and spend time with dadi at home instead. But I got a call this morning saying Gosia will be coming over for an hour this morning, so you were dressed immediately and driven to daycare bearing gifts for everyone.

When you opened the door and saw Gosia standing there, I felt your body stiffen in my arms with surprise and what I can only imagine were a hundred overwhelming emotions and questions for your little mind to absorb. There must have been surprise, love, excitement, disbelief and heaven alone knows what else bubbling over in that little mind. The only glimpse of this to the world outside was the sparkle in your eyes and your flushed face. I am sure there were butterflies in your tummy but you are too young to fully understand that.

It took you a minute or five to compose yourself and then the floodgates of love and excitement opened. You cuddled and kissed her, held her hand and took her away to show her all the things you had made since she left.

I could barely hold back my tears because this morning I saw how much you can love and how much relationships and people you love mean to you. You showed to me another new facet of you.

I'll always look forward to moments like these when I learn a little bit more about you.

And my wish for you this Christmas is that you keep your heart filled with this love and your mind full with fond memories and experiences shared with people you love as you grow. It will not be easy to experience such unadulterated, unconditional emotions when you are older maybe, but my wish for you is that you try and succeed. 

Meaningful conversations

Dot: My did it!

Rahul: No, it's I did it.

Dot: My did it!

Rahul: Yes you did. But you say I did it.

Dot: I did it?

Rahul: Yes! I did it.

Dot: NO! MY DID IT! 

Stop taking credit for what Dot did, Rahul. 

Dear Dot

A lot has happened since my last post. 

We went to India for three weeks where you were spoilt rotten by your dida, dadu, dadi and dadaji. 

Here is a list of things you probably won't remember happened on this trip. 

1. Big dadi knitted you 10 more colourful sweaters. Everyone at daycare is jealous of your winter collection.

2. Dad and I went to goa for a week for Priyo's wedding and had the most fantabulous time. You stayed back with dadu dida in Vashi.

3. Dadu dida took you to the mall almost every evening where you drove cars and rode on the toy train. The train driver knows you now because you went so often. You also know the songs that were played on the train and you sing it all the time. A LOT!

4. They also took you to ride horses. You particularly liked a big black horse. I thought you would be apprehensive about sitting on a horse but you thoroughly enjoyed it. 

5. You stood in front of the toaster to catch the bread when it jumped out. You can proudly claim you caught your own breakfast. 

6. You went to delhi for diwali where you had a lot of fun with dadi, dadaji, big dadi and dad. You were particularly feisty while lighting fuljhadis. 

7. You wore kurta pajamas for diwali and bhai dhuj and looked adorable. 

8. You went swimming in the club house pool and had a lovely time with the tortoise float we bought you in Goa (because we felt guilty for all of two minutes for leaving you behind).

9. Dadi and dadaji bought you a new tricycle which will be coming to London soon with dadi.

10. You weren't the most pleasant co-passenger on the flight to and back from India. But we understand you are only two and a half years old and a 9 hour flight is fairly long. So we still love you. However this behaviour won't fly next year. 

11. You didn't get through one of the schools you interviewed for. We don't know why yet. This made dad and me very sad and hurt and angry because it was our first rejection as parents. But we will learn from this and get better because we know you are a great kid and you will be successful and happy wherever you go. 

We are back in London now. You are talking a lot more. Your favourite word is why. And all we have to say about that is why? 

You also sing a lot. Which is great. 

You have a very active imagination and are always coming up with games to amuse yourself (and sometimes try our patience) but when it comes to "what did you have for dinner?" Your answer is always "chocolate cake". 

So all in all, you are turning into a great little guy I like to hang out with. Good job. 

Alo-chhaya

Lucky Dot, you have a beautiful room overlooking our garden. 

This morning we played with shadows instead of building blocks.