Anywhere but here.

Anything but this.

Mundane. Routine.

Living to get to the next day.

Break from the cycle.

Laundry. Iron. Laundry.

Break from the same.

Eat. Sleep. Eat. Sleep.

Life has to be bigger than this.

There must be better conversations to be had.

Dear Blog

I have no new year resolutions as such but this year I would like to read more. I'll keep coming back and updating the list of read books here so we can take stock at the end of the year.

1. A fine family - Gurucharan Das (started in 2015, finished on 10th Jan 2016).

2. Durgeshnandini - Bankim Chandra Chatterjee (January 2016)

Dear Dot

You finished one full week of school today. 

I know this is not easy for you. You are used to walking into a daycare where everybody knows you and you have your closest allies by your side - Sabrina, Amaya, Mylo and Olga. 

You feel alone and a little bit frightened walking into the big boy school every morning. But you get over it. You settle in once we've left and have a great time everyday.

Soon you will make friends and from then on you will love going to school. These really are the wonder years. You will explore, get up to mischief, share secrets, scrape your knees, make really close friends and flourish in the coming years. 

I always knew you are curious, social, kind, gentle and loving. Today I also saw how brave you are. You fought back your tears and told me it's alright to leave when I dropped you off at school. 

I could only fight back my tears till I reached the car.

Dear Dot

Loads has happened since I last posted.

End of July was your last day at daycare. I don't think you realised the full impact of this phase of your life coming to an end but I probably felt it enough for both of us. I cried about you missing your daycare buddies and your routine since you were eight months old. We threw a farewell party for all your friends to come have one last party in our Lewisham house.

Beginning of August we moved to our new house in Bromley. You fell in love with the new place and your new routine of no-daycare shockingly quickly. Dadi being around helped of course. Once again I bore the grief of missing the familiar for both of us. It's been a month now and I'm finally getting used to the move.

You start "big boy school" this Thursday. Once again I'm feeling the nervous excitement and anxiety for both of us. You are acting cool as a cucumber, as if it's no big deal. 

I probably feel a little more than I should anyways and I have been trying to make you aware of these big changes and "feel" something about it. It's very important to me that you feel and express the full spectrum of emotions. 

But after a discussion with Dad I realise I'm probably going about this in a way that makes little sense to you. You are free of all these "feelings". You are happy in the now. You don't spend time being sad about something that's in the past or worry unnecessarily about something in the future. You take it as it comes. And you always come out happy. 

There is a lot to learn from little people before the world teaches you how and how much to feel. 

Be happy, always, like you are today!

Dear Dot

We are both sitting in the garden after picking you up from daycare. You have a bag of crisps in your hand. You gave me one crisp and said, "I'm sharing at you because I a gentleman."

Dear Dot

I heard you say your first I love you.

Sabrina and you were upto your usual post daycare antics where you both insisted she comes home to ours to play. Both her mom and I thought we should say yes today because it had been a while since she had come over. 

You were both overjoyed at your persistence finally paying off and you chatted all the way back talking about everything you would do once you got home.

When we were back home you both got out of the car and right in front of our red door, your heart bursting with love and excitement you held her hand and said , "I love you, Sabrina". She spoke about wanting apple juice and riding your bike in response. You declared your love once again. She spoke about your bike again. And then you both decided that bikes were probably more exciting things to discuss anyways and ran into the garden.

It made me cry a little bit because I'm all heart and mush. It was the sweetest, bravest proposal I've ever seen.

Dear Dot

Your hands feel so small in mine. Your fingers wriggling in my palm. My fingers wrapped around your whole hand. Such a little hand. So much excitement, sense of adventure and eagerness in the clasp. 

I'm drawing from your enthusiasm to go explore the world on my bad days.